TOUCHY SITUATIONS
“To Train Up A Child” chapter by chapter review by Wendy
From the Unprepared For Parenting board at
http://www.gentlemothering.com
| Quote: |
| With
proper training, discipline can be reduced to 5% of what
many now practice. |
He's confusing the words discipline with
punishment. We know that discipline = to teach, so I hope parents
do it more than 5% of the time!
| Quote: |
| These
truths are not new, deep insights from the professional
world of research, rather, the same principles the Amish
use to train their stubborn mules, the same technique God
uses to train his children. |
MY CHILD IS NOT A MULE! (yep, I'm shouting)
The whole foundation of this book is behaviorism, but we're
talking about children, not animals.
| Quote: |
| She
doesn't hope to conquer their wills |
God doesn't conquer our wills, rather he
gave us a free will to exercise.
| Quote: |
| My
children want to please me. They try so hard to do
everything I say. |
Do we want to raise our children to be
people pleasers?
OBEDIENCE TRAINING
Again behavior modification
TENNN--HUTT
| Quote: |
| reinforce
submission of the will |
Men in the military are adults - they choose
to join up & follow orders.
| Quote: |
| Just
think of the relief it would be if by one command you
could gain the absolute, silent, concentrated attention
of all your children. |
I think this is why the Pearls are so
popular with large families. It's much easier than AP - where you
would tailor your discipline to fit each child's temperament,
age, situation, etc.
| Quote: |
| instant,
unquestioning obedience. |
Good in war, not in life.
WHOA, HORSE
Once again, animal training, not a child. Also, you don't whip a
horse to get it to *stop*.
TRAINING NOT TO TOUCH
| Quote: |
| Remember,
you are not disciplining, you are training. |
He says this a lot. I think by changing the
terminology in your mind, it makes the action more acceptable.
Substitute "spanking" everywhere he says
"training" and more people would reject their
teachings.
PLANT YOUR TREE IN THE MIDST OF THE GARDEN
| Quote: |
| Most
children can be brought into complete and joyous
subjection in just three days. |
Is this a good thing?
TOUCHY SITUATIONS
| Quote: |
| If
nothing else, training will result in saving you time |
This plays again to parental convenience -
why it would sound good to a large family.
OBEDIENCE TRAINING--BITING BABIES
Why is physical pain the only way a child will learn? If a child
bites while nursing, stop nursing. Let them scream, then try
again. Another bite, another unlatching. Eventually, they learn.
COME WHEN I CALL YOU
| Quote: |
| The
parent, having assured himself of the child's
understanding, once again sets up the situation and calls
the child. |
Just *how* do you know you have the child's
understanding? This is talking about a 10-12 mo old.
| Quote: |
| Thereafter,
until the child leaves home, he is expected to drop
everything and come upon the first call. |
There's something wrong with this, but I
can't name it. It's certainly disrespectful at the least. But I
don't think respecting your child is one of the Pearls' concerns.
NEVER TOO YOUNG TO TRAIN
| Quote: |
| The
battle for control has begun |
| Quote: |
| this
self-centered demand |
This example is talking about a newborn! I
don't believe an infant is capable of such manipulation.
| Quote: |
| Crying
because of genuine physical need is simply the infant's
only voice to the outside world; but crying in order to
manipulate the adults into constant servitude should
never be rewarded. |
But how do you know for sure which it is?
You can't *see* when a child needs to be held. He even says in
the first paragraph
| Quote: |
| The
child needs holding, loving and lots of attention, |
STEPS TO OBEDIENCE
| Quote: |
| At
four months she was too unknowing to be punished for
disobedience. |
But she can still be hit with a switch? It's
just semantics.
| Quote: |
| The
thought of further spankings was disconcerting |
Really?!? Why, Mr. Pearl??
TRAINING THE ORNERY AMISH BOY
| Quote: |
| Clearly,
the lines were drawn. The battle was in array. |
So, children are the enemy? Parenting is
warfare?
| Quote: |
| Either
the father would confirm that this one-year-old could
rule his parents or the parents would confirm their
authority. Everyone's happiness was at stake, as well as
the soul of the child. |
How dramatic.
BE ASSURED OF TWO THINGS
| Quote: |
| If
parents carefully and consistently train up a child, his
or her performance will be as consistently satisfying as
that rendered by a well trained seeing-eye dog. |
The child's *performance*? Yes, I think with
this parenting style, a child will learn to stuff their feelings
& put on a good show for their parents, in order to avoid
pain. But what's being internalized?
| Quote: |
| What
is the driving force in this child, and how can it be
conquered? |
Why should it be conquered at all? And by
the parents?
I Made A Child That I Don't Like
| Quote: |
| By
taking control and teaching them to control their
emotions and to instantly obey, the child will be
cheerful and pleasant. |
Happy is the only acceptable emotion?
I Love My Baby Too Much To Spank Him
Why does this always seem to be what pro-spankers think the #1
reason for non-spankers is? It's the first objection in Tripp's
book too. Maybe some of you mamas are more gentle minded than I
am, but when I am frustrated or angry with my ds, it's easy to
think of spanking & my love for him has nothing to do with
it.
| Quote: |
| I
observed a child possessed of continual discontent. His
mother was vainly trying to elicit obedience to a simple
command. He was miserable, constantly complaining,
whining and angry. The mother, made miserable by the
little tyrant's rebellious antics, was ill-tempered
toward him. But she continued to plead with him as if she
were trying to remember what it was she heard about
"positive affirmation" and not "stifling
his personal expression." As an objective observer, concerned for the child's happiness and well being, I said to the mother, "Why don't you give him a spanking and make him happy?" The shocked mother, replied, "Oh, he will grow out of it. It's just a stage he is going through." |
Sounds to me
like the child is hungry or tired, that's all. And the mom is
frustrated.
| Quote: |
| "I
love my child too much to spank him." The parent who
responds thus does not understand: 1) the authority of
God's word, 2) the nature of love, 3) his (or her) own
feelings, 4) the character of God, or, 5) the needs of
the child. |
I have a hard time rebutting this following
section because all his points are based on the assumption that
those who don't spank are "emotionally weak".
God Spanks His Children
| Quote: |
| Those
who out of a magnanimous sense of righteousness choose
not to use the rod are, by inference, condemning God.
"For whom the Lord loveth he chasteneth, and
scourgeth every son whom he receiveth. If ye endure
chastening, God dealeth with you as with sons; for what
son is he whom the father chasteneth not? But if ye be
without chastisement, whereof all are partakers, then are
ye bastards, and not sons (Heb. 12:6-8)." Then it says He chastens us "for our own profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness (Heb. 12:10)." A most profound statement! God does not have any sons who escape chastisement--"all are partakers." And, did He stop loving those whom he chastened? Quite the contrary, love was His motivation for the "spanking." Only through chastisement, could His sons fully partake of His holiness. He does it "for our own profit." "No chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous... (Heb. 12:11)." God's chastisement is a painful "whipping." Our "fathers of the flesh... chastened us after their own pleasure... (12: 9, 10)." The Scripture not only condones physical "scourging," but promotes it as a means to holiness--when ministered for the son's "profit." The chastisement is represented as a sure sign of love: "for whom the Lord loveth, he chasteneth. " If there is no chastisement, it is not only an indication of not being loved, but of being a "bastard" So we see that out of the very love of God springs chastisement. Thus, our original passage in Prov. 13:24, "He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes. " If God's love is expressed by the "whippings" He gives, then can we not love our children enough to chasten them unto holiness? I have heard a rebellious teenager say, "If they only loved me enough to whip me." Recently, a mother told us that after cracking down on her children with a consistent use of the rod, one child thanked God for making his Mama sweeter. The increased spankings had reduced disobedience, causing the child to be more in harmony with his mother. He interpreted this to be a sweeter mother. |
But how does God "spank" us? It's
not literal. There's no giant hand that appears out of heaven to
come down & swat us on the backside. God may use our
circumstances, etc. to discipline us, but isn't that like what we
talk about in manipulating the environment of the child?
(Also let’s keep in mind that the word
translated “chasten” is also translated as
"correct" and it means "verbal correction" or
the idea of "come let us reason together." –by
Crystal Author of Biblical Parenting http://www.aolff.org)
| Quote: |
| SUMMARY:
"They go astray as soon as they be born, speaking
lies (Psalm 58:3)." The infant, through natural
drives for food, cuddling and bodily comfort, soon learns
that by falsely representing his need he can gain
excessive indulgences. |
I guess he's interpreting this verse to say
that a newborn can deceive & be manipulative.
| Quote: |
| Nevertheless,
infants do lie. |
I don't get it. Certainly, this is
"assigning negative intent". How do you interpret this
verse?
| Quote: |
| The
rod is your divine enforcer. |
He hasn't made the case for me that physical
pain is the only way a child can learn.
| Quote: |
| Understand,
we are not suggesting that a child can be trained into
the Christian experience, only that the mind and body
should be developed to its highest possible natural
discipline. This cannot do other than aid the Spirit in
convicting them of sin, causing them to realize their
need for a Savior. We are talking about the lawful use of
the law. |
Huh?
Guilt
| Quote: |
| A
spanking (whipping, paddling, switching, belting) is
indispensable to the removal of guilt in your child. His
very conscience (nature) demands punishment. |
| |
| Quote: |
| The
guilt burdened soul cries out for the lashes and nails of
justice. Your child cannot yet understand that the
Creator has been lashed and nailed in his place. Only the
rod of correction can preserve his soul until the day of
moral dawning. |
(This is just not true. Children are
innocent until the day of moral dawning. That is why Jesus
said, “Let the little children come unto me.” I
find nowhere in the Bible that anyone or anything, not even a
rod, can preserve a soul. Only Jesus can do that. –
Linda)
Blessed Guilt
| Quote: |
| guilt
is only a means to an end, a temporary condition. It's
the soul's pain, as when we touch something hot, designed
to give us warning, to change our actions. |
| Quote: |
| Let
the guilt come, and then, while they are yet too young to
understand, absolve it by means of the rod. When their
time comes, the principles of the cross will be easy to
grasp. |
Obviously he doesn't see the rod as "a
symbol of authority".
The Power Of "Absolution."
| Quote: |
| The
parent holds in his hand (in the form of a little switch)
the power to absolve the child of guilt, cleanse his
soul, instruct his spirit, strengthen his resolve, and
give him a fresh start through a confidence that all
indebtedness is paid. "The blueness of a wound
cleanseth away evil: so do stripes the inward parts of
the belly (Prov. 20:30)." "Inward parts of the
belly" is a description of the physical sensations
associated with guilt. |
| Quote: |
| A
child properly and timely spanked is healed in the soul
and restored to wholeness of spirit. A child can be
turned back from the road to hell through proper
spankings. |
(I think that he’s misinterpretating
Proverbs 23:13-14 here. I don’t agree with his
intpretation at all. – Linda)
The Magic Wand
| Quote: |
| After
a short explanation about bad attitudes and the need to
love, patiently and calmly apply the rod to his
back-side. Somehow, after eight or ten licks, the poison
is transformed into gushing love and contentment. |
It seems to me that the poison is
transferred deep down in the psych where it will fester until the
child grows up.
The Teaching Rod
| Quote: |
| The
rod is the parents' main tangible aid to bring the child
to understand the judgment of God--and eventually the
grace of God. |
So I guess children must be raised under OT
Law until ... (when?) and then in NT grace?
| Quote: |
| Unless
all transgression, rebellion and meanness of spirit be
treated as God treats sin, the child's world view will be
false. |
How does God treat sin? I guess this is the
difference between "law-based" and
"grace-based" discipline.
A Switch At Nap Time Saves Mine
| Quote: |
| When
your baby is tired and sleepy enough to become irritable,
don't reinforce irritability by allowing the cause and
effect to continue. Put the little one to sleep. But what
of the grouch who would rather complain than sleep? Get
tough. Be firm with him. Never put him down and then
allow him to get up. If, after putting him down, you
remember he just woke up, do not reward his complaining
by allowing him to get up. For the sake of consistency in
training, you must follow through. He may not be able to
sleep, but he can be trained to lie there quietly. He
will very quickly come to know that any time he is laid
down there is no alternative but to stay put. To get up
is to be on the firing line and get switched back down.
It will become as easy as putting a rag doll to bed.
Those who are MOSTLY consistent must use the switch too
often. Those who are ALWAYS consistent come to almost
never need the switch. |
Ahh, I'm training my child to be a rag doll.
Hmmm. Also, how do adjust for a growing child who goes from two
naps to one nap to no naps? How long do you switch them &
send them back to bed? Since it's the parent who is determining
when the child needs to nap, not the child.
Three-year-old Mother
| Quote: |
| The
other day at our house, a three-year-old little girl was
playing with dolls. ..... Up until about a year ago, she
was disobedient and spoiled. ..... Today she is an ideal
little girl, always obedient and cheerful. What was
interesting is the role she assumed with her baby. In her
imagination the baby started crying after being given a
command. She scolded her baby, turned her over and
spanked her. She then spoke comforting, reassuring words
and praised her baby for being good. She perfectly
mimicked the loving, patient tone and firmness of her own
mother. As we sneaked a peek at the proceedings, she continued her "mother practice" session. Several situations arose with her rag baby which she promptly and firmly dealt with like an old pro. In fact, I could not have handled the make-believe situations any better. She told the screaming child (a rag doll). "No! That's not nice. You can't have it now. Stop your crying. SWITCH, SWITCH. If you don't stop crying, Mama will have to spank you again. SWITCH, SWITCH, SWITCH. OK, stop crying now. That's better. Now see if you can play happily." Here is a three-year-old "mother" already prepared to rear happy obedient children. She knows exactly what to expect from her mother. And, what is further amazing, she knows exactly what her mother expects from her. She disciplined her baby doll for attitudes, not actions. This three-year-old little girl is a near finished product. The battle is won. As long as the parents consistently maintain what they have already instilled, the child will never be anything but a blessing and help. |
The ideal child is always obedient and
cheerful? I don't see attitudes being disciplined, I see emotions
being punished.
As The Wheel Turn
| Quote: |
| After
about ten acts of stubborn defiance, followed by ten
switchings, he surrendered his will to one higher than
himself. In rolling the wheel, he did what every
accountable human being must do--he humbled himself
before the "highest" and admitted that his
interests are not paramount. ..... The surly attitude was
all gone. In its place was contentment, thankfulness and
a fellowship with his peers. The "rod" had
lived up to its Biblical promise. |
| Quote: |
| Being
a hunting family, we have always had guns around the
house. With little ones, we made sure to keep the guns
out of reach. But, with the possibility of their sooner
or later coming in contact with a loaded gun, we trained
them for safety. With our first toddler, I placed an old, unused and empty, single-shot shot-gun in the living room corner. After taking the toddler through the "No" saying, hand-switching sessions, they knew guns were always off limits. Every day they played around the gun without touching it. I never had to be concerned with their going into someone else's house and touching a gun. I didn't gun-proof my house, I gun-proofed my children. |
Would a toddler really know not to
touch all guns in all other houses? I remember Dr.
Sears saying somewhere (I've looked & looked but can't find
it) that just because you teach your child not to touch the stove
at home, they still won't know that applies to Grandma's stove.
(anyone else remember this?)
Hot Stove
Sinking Feeling
These sections both describe natural consequences, right?
Snap To It!
| Quote: |
| I
have taught the children to obey first and ask questions
later. When they were small and I put them through paces,
they learned to immediately do what I said. If they ever
failed to instantly obey a command, I would
"drill" them. "Sit down. Don't speak until
I tell you to." Understand, I was not taking out
frustrations. It was all done in the utmost pleasantness
and usually even fun. "Stand up," I would say.
"Now come here. Go touch the door." And, before
they could get there, "Sit." Plop, down they
would go. "Now, go to your rooms and clean them
up." Just like little, proud soldiers, off they
would go to the task. If one of them should fail in his attitude, he would be spanked--without haste or hostility, mind you. Negligence or clumsiness was a time for patience and grace, but lazy rebellion was punished with the rod. This may sound all cold and harsh. I hope it doesn't; for it was warm, friendly, loving, and produced confident, calm, hard working, loyal children and adults. In actuality, because of our consistency, the children were seldom spanked. They soon learned that every transgression received a "Just recompense of reward." They knew, without a doubt, that to even delay obedience meant a meeting with the rod. Delayed obedience was dealt with as disobedience. Such firmness with consistency makes for a sense of security. |
But when do the children get to think for
themselves??
And why is a desire to avoid pain a "good" motivation
for obedience? Wouldn't you rather your children obeyed because
they respect you & your authority over them?
I guess the children are *secure* in the knowledge that most
anything they do other than sitting still & smiling will
result in a whuppin'. 
Keeping Little Hearts
| Quote: |
| Training
must consider the actions, but discipline should be
concerned only with the child's attitude. It is
embarrassing to see a parent upset at a child for
spilling milk or acting their normal, clumsy self. Judge
them as God judges us--by the heart. |
But we are not
God. How can we truly see what is in our child's heart?
| Quote: |
| On
the other hand, there are times when there is no
disobedience, but the attitude is completely rotten. A
parent must be on guard to discern attitudes. If we wait
until actions become annoying to initiate discipline, we
only deal with the surface symptoms. The root of all sin
is in the heart. Know your child's heart and guard it.
"Keep thy heart with all diligence; for out of it
are the issues of life (Prov. 4:23)." It will be
several years before your child can "keep" his
or her own heart; until then it is entrusted to you. |
Where does he get the idea that a parent is
to "keep" their child's heart?
Starting Over
| Quote: |
| Grin,
you have secret weapons: * A plan * Love * Patience *
Reproof * THE ROD OF CORRECTION * Endurance. |
Although he tosses in love & patience,
it's the rod that's given pre-eminence. (those are his
capitalizations)
Persistence
| Quote: |
| Some
have asked, "But what if the child only screams
louder, gets madder?" Know that if he is accustomed
to getting his unrestricted way, you can expect just such
a response. He will just continue to do what he has
always done to get his way. It is his purpose to
intimidate you and make you feel like a crud pile. |
His purpose is to intimidate & make you
feel like crud?? This example is
talking of a 7 mo old!! How can anyone see such deviousness in an
infant, that they could be capable of such manipulation?
They Better Not Mistreat My Baby
| Quote: |
| If
he is roughed-up by his peers, rejoice; he is learning
early about the real world. Don't make a sissy out of
him. If you jump to his defense every time another child
takes away a toy, pushes your child down, or even pops
him in the nose, you will rear a social crybaby. When you demand that your child be treated fairly, you are protecting him from reality. The younger they are, the better to learn that they deserve no equality. |
I can't even put my thoughts into words to
comment on this. Anyone else?
Bad Attitude
| Quote: |
| Bad
attitude is pure bad. For as a child "thinketh in
his heart, so is he (Prov. 23: 7)." "Keep thy
heart with all diligence; for out of it are the issues of
life (Prov. 4:23)." If a child shows the least
displeasure in response to a command or duty, it should
be addressed as disobedience. If a child sticks out his
lip, you should focus your training on his bad attitude.
The wrong slant of the shoulders reveals a bad frame of
mind. Consider this a sign to instruct, train or
discipline. A cheerful, compliant spirit is the norm.
Anything else is a sign of trouble. |
The Amish Family
| Quote: |
| When
an Amish family with their twelve children comes over to
visit, you would think it was a Japanese delegation, for
all the self-control and order present. The children are
taught to maintain control of their emotions. They are
all respectful of your property and presence. When in the
presence of adults, the children don't talk or play
loudly. If hurt, they don't cry excessively. The children
learn to give-over when their rights are trampled on by
another child. This is consistently accomplished through
consistent training and discipline. |
Is it good for children to be this way? I
would expect such behavior from older children, but what about
younger children?
Sounds like "Children should be seen and not heard."
Crying Babies, Or Crybabies
| Quote: |
| When
'crawlers' or 'scooters' cry, there should be a
legitimate reason. If they are hungry, feed them. If they
are sleepy, put them down for a nap. If they are truly
hurt, give time for the pain to subside. If they are
physically uncomfortable, adjust the environment. If they
are wet, change them. If they are afraid, hold them
close. If they are grouching, discipline them to get
control of their self-centeredness. If they are mad,
switch them. Don't let your child stay unhappy. Meet the
real needs and make their selfish crying an unrewarding
experience. |
Again, "happy is the only acceptable
emotion."
Good Memories Are Welcomed
| Quote: |
| The
school Principal did the really serious paddling when I
was in school. I have lived nearly a half century and
still feel apprehensive going into the office at a public
school. He and I had a couple of serious encounters. One
of these days I am going to make an effigy of a school
principal and then tell him to bend over and grab his
ankles. |
So after 50 years, he's still holding a
grudge? But he expects his children to be happy & thank him
for the same treatment?
I finally finished reading TTUAC. I didn't have any comments on the last couple chapters, so I thought I'd share some general comments here.
Anyone want to join me in
that? (Thanks to Wendy for allowing me to post her insightful comments here - Linda)